Mental Health Recovery Blog

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

“Some readers may recognize their mothers as well as themselves in this book. They will also find specific suggestions for creating healthier relationships. Addressing the adult children of borderlines and the therapists who work with them, Dr. Lawson shows how to care for the waif without rescuing her, to attend to the hermit without feeding her fear, to love the queen without becoming her subject, and to live with the witch without becoming her victim.”

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars World’s Worst Mothering
Christine Lawson breaks down the Borderline Personality Mother into four categories: the Waif, the Witch, the Queen and the Hermit. But she forgot one category: the Occasionally Good Mother. That’s the frustrating thing about borderline personality types; every once in a while they behave decently and appropriately and it gives the people around them false hopes. If borderlines were consistently bad it would be much easier to distance oneself from them. Lawson also examines the kinds of men who marry these women and enable them. They are either too passive or emotionally inadequate to stand up to these toxic women and their children suffer as a result. At the end of the book, Lawson suggests that as borderline mothers age, their adult children can use their fear of abandonment as a way to set boundaries and regulate their behavior. However, for that to happen all the siblings and family members have to be on the same page. Usually in borderline families, there is an enmeshed sibling or other relative who continues to enable the borderline’s mother’s sick behavior, so in the end it’s essentially hopeless most of the time. For those of us with a borderline parent, the best we can do is learn not to blame ourselves, limit contact with them and get on with our lives.

2 Stars Concerns about this book
Dealing with a BPD family member is extremely difficult, and I’m pleased that others have found comfort and useful information here. However, I have serious problems with this book. Borderlines already have a fragile sense of self, leaving them insecure and defensive. I don’t see how attaching demeaning labels like “waif” and “wicked witch” helps the situation. A person with BPD has a poorly functioning amygdala and hippocampus which interferes with his or her ability to process incoming stimuli and regulate emotion–it seems inappropriate to call him or her an insulting name (no matter how maddening his or her behavior may be.) It’s important to understand that the fairy tale categories in the book are a device used by the author, NOT official classifications in the medical community. Also, some of the theories presented here are very much in question–like the assumption that people who suffer from BPD experienced some kind of early psychological trauma. I’m concerned about many of the claims presented as solid fact rather than the author’s theory: there is a strong hereditary component in BPD, and whether or not a BP’s child is idealized or demonized can’t change that. If you really want to inform yourself about this serious mental illness, there are much better books to start with. Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Robert O. Friedel provides an excellent explanation of the symptoms and their causes. For good information about dealing with your BPD family member (mothers included), I highly recommend The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger. If you have already informed yourself about the science of BPD, are at the end of your rope and need validation, Understanding the the Borderline Mother might be a comforting read. But please, inform yourself first, and don’t label BP’s unkindly–they did not choose to be mentally ill.

5 Stars Extremely Helpful
This book is a “must read” for anyone interacting with or healing from association with a Borderline Personality. I just wish I’d read this book years earlier.

I was given this book, and it was suggested that I sticky-note pages or phrases that resonated for me. I recall dropping the book into my lap once, about 1/3 of the way through, and thinking, “What on earth’s the point of the sticky-notes if I’m putting ‘em on virtually every page?!?”

I was disturbed and gratified to read some anecdotal accounts of others that were effectively identical to my own. In response to my situation, I’d done things that were exactly the same as those of people quoted in the book. It was almost spooky, on that level.

I also appreciated the categorization of behaviors into archetypes. Though the point is well made that no one is confined to behaviors of a single archetype, I found the categories useful. I also appreciated the time spent on the different types of fathers likely to be present in such a situation. It’s helped me to rethink many things about my past and my present.

I thought it was interesting to see the principles in the book projected onto well-known and/or well documented public figures. Though a posthumous diagnosis may be at the very least controversial, it was clear how the behaviors of these individuals fit the model–regardless of whether or not the Borderline label could successfully stick to those figures.

I fully recommend this book to any who are interested in learning about, or coping with, a Borderline personality.

2 Stars Not for borderline mothers
I would caution all therapists NOT to recommend this book to borderline mothers. Initially, it may seem to be a tool to help them understand the experience of others who live with them. However, there is no message of hope here for a borderline parent–or, really, for the spouse of one. Instead, the experience of reading this book is very highly likely to become a very painful memory, one that, I believe, could even trigger borderline episodes. Please be extremely careful in recommending this book.

5 Stars The Borderline Mother
“Understanding the Borderline Mother…” is an excellent book filled with examples and understandings of the mind of the mother who is a Borderline Personality Disorder. I would recommend the book to anyone who has difficulties living and understanding a mother whose emotions are up and down and pushes you and others away.

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Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health Professionals

The Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health Professionals was designed by psychiatric educators to enable all mental health professionals to more skillfully and competently treat the common sexual concerns of those who seek their help. Written with a deliberate personal supervisory style, this text imparts clear and practical guidance about assessing and treating high prevalence problems that quietly abound in all mental health settings. Eminent distinguished clinicians present vivid clinical illustrations, illuminating explanations of their subjects, and solution-focused approaches to providing realistic care. From learning how to take a relevant sexual history to grappling with the uncertainties of how substances of abuse affect sexual function, this comprehensive text will hold readers’ hands and stimulate their minds as they rediscover the fascinating clinical intricacies of sexual strivings to love and to be loved.

Dr. Levine, Mrs. Risen, and Dr. Althof have collaboratively provided clinical services for sexual problems, conducted research, written articles, and educated mental health professionals for over 25 years at Case Western Reserve University Department of Psychiatry. They co-direct the Center for Marital and Sexual Health in Beachwood, Ohio. The Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health Professionals is the culmination of their long partnership. CONTRIBUTORS: Rosemary Basson, Sophie Bergeron, Yitzchak M. Binik, Alan Cooper, Tiffany Cummins, Lorraine Dennerstein, Jennifer I. Downey,Carol Ellison, Peter Fagan, J. Paul Fedoroff, Richard Friedman, Jeffrey Janata, Samir Khalifé, Sheryl Kingsberg, David Marcus, William L. Maurice, Barry McCarthy, Marta Meana, Sheldon I. Miller, Sharon Nathan, Friedemann Pfäfflin, S. Michael Plaut, Derek Polonsky, Raymond C. Rosen, David E. Scharff, R. Taylor Segraves, Lynda Talmadge, William Talmadge, Marcel D. Waldinger

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars great job
i was very happy with the product i received and the time it took to receive it

5 Stars Handbood for Clinical Sexuality
Shipped quickly and was able to be used for my course. In very good condition, as specified.

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Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused

A history of a childhood abuse is not a life sentence. Here is hope, healing, and a chance to recover the self lost in childhood. Drawing on his extensive work with Adult Children, and on his own experience as a survivor of emotional neglect, therapist Steven Farmer demonstrates that through exercises and journal work, his program can help lead you through grieving your lost childhood, to become your own parent, and integrate the healing aspects of spiritual, physical, and emotional recovery into your adult life.
The violent forms of child abuse that make headlines are not the only ones that leave lifelong scars. A child who grows up in an unstable environment where empathy, clear boundaries and trust are lacking, can end up living a ravaged adulthood. Children can be crippled by mixed messages, family secrets and reversed parent-child roles. Many victims of these practices are not even sure their childhood was abusive. This balanced, practical guide delineates traits of abusive families. Narrative vignettes in each section illustrate and personalize critical issues. Most valuable is the step-by-step self-help program that includes exercises and journal work for recovery.

User Ratings and Reviews

3 Stars A few good ideas, needs more ideas to help people who were abused..
I get the idea that most of the people writing reviews of these books are Psychologists and aren’t people who were actually abused.. I thought there were a few good ideas. It was good at showing what characteristics people who were abused have, but most people who were abused already know they have all these characteristics. They are trying to figure out what “normal” is and how to get from point A to point B, and to be honest if they are buying this book, they’re buying this book to get help and not to come up with all the theories and all. That said, it’s still better than most of the other books I’ve read, and it still has good ideas that are worth getting the book for. There’s a section on listening to what’s around you.. I had been going to the swimming pool several times a week for the past few years, and I never really heard the sounds of the water splashing, or the kids playing, or the lifeguard, or the parents sitting there, I just tuned it all out, like everything and everyone else.

but it’s still not a lot of help to a person who has been abused. It’s really more for therapists to be honest, and that does me little good, to be honest. but I’m still glad I got the book,a nd I don’t regret getting it. Some of them are a waste.

5 Stars Healing Abuse
If you have been abused: sexually, mentally or verbally by a parent or guardian, and you are the walking “wounded”, you need to read this book. It helps you to get past all that trauma, forgive that person and go on with your life. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’ll ever forget, it means you let go. There’s so much you can do on your own and this is a great start!!

Paula

4 Stars Adult Children of Abusive Parents
This book made me feel the pain of those who have suffered at the hands of abusive parents. It proved to be useful for my course project.

2 Stars Very Dissapointed with this book
I could not finish this book. In part one I kept reading about daughters being molested by their fathers and step-fathers — it was too much.

2 Stars Starts out great, then doesn’t measure up.
I found that this book, although promising a fresh look at the age old problems of adult children of abuse, falls short in the long run. Adults who experienced abuse as children are usually well aware of that abuse. This book deals with uncovering the abuse, and then takes, in my opinion, controversial steps at therapy. Those steps include a “reconstruction of the past” in essence fabricating lies and letting those lies replace the truths of the abuse. I, for one, was looking for a way to defeat the anger I feel, not reconstruct my past into some idyllic existence. For me, living a lie where I remember parents who never existed would only be compounding the problem.

So, I cannot recommend this book as part of an affective regimen of therapy.

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How to Practice Brief Psychodynamic Psychotherapy: The Core Conflictual Relationship Theme Method

This clinically based manual takes readers through the Core Conflictual Relationship Theme (CCRT) which is the basis of a specific form of brief psychodynamic psychotherapy (BPP). The CCRT method is research-supported and easily operationalized. The CCRT method offers symptom relief and limited but significant character change in a strongly interactive 16-session format. It focuses on helping the client to work through the circumscribed area of maladaptive functioning. After presenting general background about BPPs and a specific discussion of the CCRT rationale and process, the author offers the reader a portrait of CCRT therapy in action. In an extended clinical vignette, the reader may follow the therapist and client in a step-by-step manner, from initial session, to therapist formation, articulation and presentation of the CCRT. The volume outlines the 16-session course of therapy including termination and follow-up. This book will be of use to clinicians and directors of postgraduate psychology programmes, mental health training centres, psychiatric residency programmes and to students.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Enormously Helpful
I’ve been using this book for a number of years with my counseling students. Howard Book provides a very accessible framework that is tremendously helpful in clarifying client dynamics.

John Christopher, Ph.D.

Professor of Counseling Psychology

Montana State University

5 Stars Very worthwhile publication
I enjoyed this book immensely. It was refreshing to note that the “brief psychodynamic” perspective detailed by Book did not refer at all to the Freudian model of the psyche (id - ego - superego). Indeed the model presented could as easily have been termed “interpersonal relationship therapy”, as there was little to betray its psychodynamic roots. Book had no need for the traditional psychodynamic model in order to use this therapeutic modality so, citing parsimony, he left it out.

5 Stars would buy from again!
my book arrived promptly and in great condition! i would certainly order from this seller again.

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Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide

“Silent Grief” is a book for and about “suicide survivors” - those who have been left behind by the suicide of a friend or loved one. Author Christopher Lukas is a suicide survivor himself - several members of his family have taken their own lives - and the book draws on his own experiences, as well as those of numerous other suicide survivors. These personal testimonies are combined with the professional expertise of Henry M. Seiden, a psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist. The authors present information on common experiences of bereavement, grief reactions and various ways of coping. Their message is that it is important to share one’s experience of “survival” with others and they encourage survivors to overcome the perceived stigma or shame associated with suicide and to seek support from self-help groups, psychotherapy, family therapy, Internet support forums or simply a friend or family member who will listen. “Silent Grief” gives valuable insights into living in the wake of suicide and provides useful strategies and support for those affected by a suicide, as well as professionals in the field of psychology, social work, and medicine.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Compassionate and comforting
Those left behind in the wake of a suicide do not need nor cannot take in a mass of psychological jargon, statistical abstracts or pie charts and graphs. What they need is the reassurance that they are not alone, that there is a community of compassionate, sensitive people which will welcome them as they try to absorb and accept their loss. “Silent Grief” provides a real service in helping the reader to sort out his feelings and to begin to make sense of the senseless.

Authors Lukas and Seiden provide many real life examples of the behaviors of suicide survivors. These should be helpful to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide, no matter how long ago the event occurred, no matter how close emotionally the survivor was to the deceased, even if they were not family.

Although they do not mention Elisabeth Kubler-Ross by name, Lukas and Seiden do detail her famous five stages of grief, (from her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying”) and explain that these emotions and behaviors can and often do run deeper in suicide survivors than in those mourning the death, say, of an elderly person who dies of natural causes. The stages of grief and the order in which they are experienced are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Not everyone goes through all the stages, regardless of the intensity or nature of their loss. But there are suicide survivors who get stuck in one stage of grief never to leave it, not for years or even decades. “Silent Grief” discusses not only why this happens, but the ways in which the suicide survivor can become “unstuck,” and finally achieve acceptance of his loss.

To work one’s way through the process of grieving can take years. I lost a brother to suicide in 1995. He was only 31. The authors discuss deep, unrelenting depression as a primary cause of almost every suicide. This my brother experienced for years, and it seemed resistant to treatment. Now, although there are days when I feel his presence acutely, and other days when it seems as if his death just occurred, I did eventually reach the acceptance phase, but it took about six years. (I don’t know if this was a long or short period of time, nor even if there are any meaningful yardsticks.)

I don’t believe it is the intention of Lukas and Seiden to encourage the reader in accelerating the grieving process. Rather, their many real-life examples make it easier to understand the complexities, the patience and the backtracking that will inevitably mark the road to recovery. It has been said that while a suicide survivor will never get over it, he can eventually get used to it. Only by completing this process can acceptance of this unimaginably painful event be achieved. “Silent Grief” offers hope that one day acceptance can be achieved, and that the process may be arduous, but reaching this vital last stage of the journey does not mean abandoning the memory of or forgetting the one who died.

Those who need to read “Silent Grief” know who they are, but it may be very difficult for them to pick it up. Perhaps a loved one can introduce them to its wisdom, compassion and hope. The survivor needs all of these, and “Silent Grief” is a safe and comforting place to begin.

5 Stars Excellent book for therapists or family members of those who have completed suicide
This slim volume was originally published in 1987, with the long-overdue revised version arriving in 2007. Authors Lukas and Seiden acknowledge that in the years between the two editions, the subject of suicide has garnered much more of a public forum, particularly with the advent of the internet. However, they maintain that what hasn’t changed is the profound, traumatic effect which suicide has upon those left behind, known here as suicide survivors. This book focuses on those survivors–how they react, the bargains they make in order to survive, and how they can learn to respond and move past their grief. Woven into the book are narrative accounts of many different survivors of suicide, including one of the authors, Lukas, who lost not only his mother but also his aunt, uncle, and eventually his brother to suicide as well.

Because silence often abounds after a suicide, the authors strive to break that silence through freely sharing just what happens to the survivor after someone commits suicide. Common emotions are discussed, including guilt, shame, and denial. In the second part of the book, the authors describe in detail what they term “bargains” that survivors make with respect to the suicide. These bargains allow the survivor to go on living, perhaps reducing their emotional pain, but there is a downside to each bargain made. Examples of bargains include keeping silent, scapegoating, punishing with guilt, cutting off, and the ultimate bargain, committing suicide (estimates suggest that suicide rates for survivors are between 80 and 300 percent higher than those for the general population). In the final section of the book, however, the authors recommend ways for overcoming these bargains through both getting help from and giving help to others. They offer suggestions for talking about the suicide in addition to reviewing basic listening techniques. The book concludes with some useful resources for finding self-help groups as well as suggestions for further reading.

This book is intended specifically neither for suicide survivors nor for professionals, yet it is well-suited to both audiences. Survivors will definitely find kinship–if not comfort–in the many personal stories featured here; they are also likely to feel less isolated and more accepting of their emotional reactions upon learning that they are not alone. Similarly, mental health professionals will benefit by gaining greater insight into and compassion for their clients who are suicide survivors. Overall, a well-done, very readable work for virtually all populations; highly recommended.

5 Stars Exceptional Resource!
I am a seminary student in Minneapolis, Minnesota and was introduced to this book in a class I took that addressed the issue of Grief in Pastoral Care. For me, this book was transformative. While I have never experienced the grief of losing a loved one to suicide, I have experienced traumatic grief in my life. This book has the gift of speaking to many people who have been traumatized in their grief experience, whether suicide-related or not. I am also a Police Chaplain and have recently been called to minister to four different families who have been impacted by this type of tragic loss. This resource not only helped me in my immediate ministry with the families, but I have used it as resource material for other Police Department Chaplains as well. Thanks to the author, for speaking so honestly about this topic and for helping those of us “on the front lines” educate and by God’s infinite grace, perhaps, save lives.

5 Stars Book: Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide
Excellent help for me and my family following my fathers suicide. Helped me to understand and not be ridden with guilt.

4 Stars Good points
This book is a good idea for anyone going thru the trauma of a suicide

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