The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
In this compelling book, the authors present an innovative therapeutic model for understanding and treating adults from emotionally abusive or neglectful families? families the authors call narcissistic. Narcissistic families have a parental system that is, for whatever reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, self-centered immaturity), primarily involved in getting its own needs met. The children in such narcissistic family systems try to earn love, attention and approval by satisfying their parents’ needs, thus never developing the ability to recognize their own needs or create strategies for getting them met. By outlining the theoretical framework of their model and using dozens of illustrative clinical examples, the authors clearly illuminate specific practice guidelines for treating these individuals.
Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman is a therapist, consultant, and trainer. She is known for her work with dysfunctional families, particularly with survivors of incest. Robert M. Pressman is the editor-in-chief and president of the Joint Commission for the Development of the Treatment and Statistical Manual for Behavioral and Mental Disorders.
User Ratings and Reviews
5 Stars The codependent comes from a dysfunctional family system; but where does the narcissist come from?
Lightbulb effect. So much insightful and suggestive of new perspectives. It clearly depicts the underlying mechanism of how one closes herself to the outside world and develops defensive strategies against being neglected or abused. I now deeply understand how one becomes an indecisive, low self esteem person who is always unsure of herself, who always puts the blame on her self, who tries to please others at the expense of herself, who cannot set the necessary healthy boundaries and let others walk over her and who frequently gets depressed. So this is the person we would conventionally call the survivor (or maybe the codependent or maybe the covert narcissist). But what about the overt, arrogant narcissist who is always aggressive, who always puts the blame on others, who never becomes depressed, who acts 100% sure of himself, and who is very much decisive (in ruining others’ lives)? Is he the one who is raised in the same family system?
Maybe it’s due to the fact that the book is written to the ones (therapists actually) who already know that the omnipotent display of the narcissist is only a mask and underneath this there is a wounded child who needs not to feel intimidated by the approach of his therapist.
As a result, it leaves the codependent reader in a “Aaa, this is not my spouse’s family; it’s my family. I am the one who comes from a dysfunctional family then; not my spouse. I am the one who has a false self” feeling.
So after reading this book you go and dig into your life expecting to find the dysfunctions of your family of origin, you begin to scrutinize everything your family has done or has not done. If you find something, you become assured that you are the dysfunctional one in the relationship with your spouse. If you cannot find anything and say “no, they were quite perfectly normal parents”, again this is almost the validation that you are being defensive. Then you feel that it’s all your fault. Then the book says that these individuals (who are raised in the narcissistic family system) are more ready to blame themselves for everything. So you become more convinced that your spouse is an angel and you are a wreck. But since you have read that all or none thinking style (angel/wreck) is a typical quality of individuals raised in narcissistic families, you become once more assured that you are the dysfunctional one.
So while you are busy with these internal struggles and sufferings, your spouse more than ever enjoys his comfort and power. No hesitation, no doubt, no pain, no discomfort.
In sum, you start reading the book in a hope for external validation that you are normal, and end up with the validation that you are the narcissist yourself.
5 Stars Very helpful
This book was very helpful in dealing with a narcissistic in-law family. I suppose I would have gotten more out of the book if it had been my family of origin. Lots of good information, at times a bit too technical for this lay-person, but overall an interesting and helpful read.
I also recommend “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissistics” for those dealing with a malignant narcissistic in the family.
5 Stars What a Relief!
Even though I am not a clinician and this book was not meant
for laymen, I found it extremely enlightening for my life. I
was finally able to understand the chaotic home I came from
and the repercussions that are abundant in my life and my brothers.
With knowledge, healing can take place.
5 Stars enlightening!
My mother is still narcissistic in virtually every relationship she has. I now recognize what it is about our relationship that leaves me empty. I no longer provide her narcissistic supply and I have established some clear boundaries with her. I can’t change my childhood but I am aware of how it can affect me in my daily interactions and, armed with that knowledge, I have been able to be a better mother to my son.
I would definitely recommend the book to anyone who has to deal with a narcissistic family member; it doesn’t necessarily have to be your parents. It could be a sibling, too.
4 Stars A new beginning
This book was quite an eye opener for my husband and I. We actually read it together and was able to identify many of the issues addressed. We feel armed with the knowledge of what we are dealing with (as knowing is 1/2 the battle), but we are still uncertain as to how exactly to deal with the narcissitic parent/family system in certain situations. We plan to continue reading about this topic, discussing how best to be in control of our own actions/feelings, and moving foward past the narcissitic upbringing. This book was definitely the place to start.
Filed under: Mental Health Book Reviews