Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
“Some readers may recognize their mothers as well as themselves in this book. They will also find specific suggestions for creating healthier relationships. Addressing the adult children of borderlines and the therapists who work with them, Dr. Lawson shows how to care for the waif without rescuing her, to attend to the hermit without feeding her fear, to love the queen without becoming her subject, and to live with the witch without becoming her victim.”
User Ratings and Reviews
5 Stars World’s Worst Mothering
Christine Lawson breaks down the Borderline Personality Mother into four categories: the Waif, the Witch, the Queen and the Hermit. But she forgot one category: the Occasionally Good Mother. That’s the frustrating thing about borderline personality types; every once in a while they behave decently and appropriately and it gives the people around them false hopes. If borderlines were consistently bad it would be much easier to distance oneself from them. Lawson also examines the kinds of men who marry these women and enable them. They are either too passive or emotionally inadequate to stand up to these toxic women and their children suffer as a result. At the end of the book, Lawson suggests that as borderline mothers age, their adult children can use their fear of abandonment as a way to set boundaries and regulate their behavior. However, for that to happen all the siblings and family members have to be on the same page. Usually in borderline families, there is an enmeshed sibling or other relative who continues to enable the borderline’s mother’s sick behavior, so in the end it’s essentially hopeless most of the time. For those of us with a borderline parent, the best we can do is learn not to blame ourselves, limit contact with them and get on with our lives.
2 Stars Concerns about this book
Dealing with a BPD family member is extremely difficult, and I’m pleased that others have found comfort and useful information here. However, I have serious problems with this book. Borderlines already have a fragile sense of self, leaving them insecure and defensive. I don’t see how attaching demeaning labels like “waif” and “wicked witch” helps the situation. A person with BPD has a poorly functioning amygdala and hippocampus which interferes with his or her ability to process incoming stimuli and regulate emotion–it seems inappropriate to call him or her an insulting name (no matter how maddening his or her behavior may be.) It’s important to understand that the fairy tale categories in the book are a device used by the author, NOT official classifications in the medical community. Also, some of the theories presented here are very much in question–like the assumption that people who suffer from BPD experienced some kind of early psychological trauma. I’m concerned about many of the claims presented as solid fact rather than the author’s theory: there is a strong hereditary component in BPD, and whether or not a BP’s child is idealized or demonized can’t change that. If you really want to inform yourself about this serious mental illness, there are much better books to start with. Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Robert O. Friedel provides an excellent explanation of the symptoms and their causes. For good information about dealing with your BPD family member (mothers included), I highly recommend The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger. If you have already informed yourself about the science of BPD, are at the end of your rope and need validation, Understanding the the Borderline Mother might be a comforting read. But please, inform yourself first, and don’t label BP’s unkindly–they did not choose to be mentally ill.
5 Stars Extremely Helpful
This book is a “must read” for anyone interacting with or healing from association with a Borderline Personality. I just wish I’d read this book years earlier.
I was given this book, and it was suggested that I sticky-note pages or phrases that resonated for me. I recall dropping the book into my lap once, about 1/3 of the way through, and thinking, “What on earth’s the point of the sticky-notes if I’m putting ‘em on virtually every page?!?”
I was disturbed and gratified to read some anecdotal accounts of others that were effectively identical to my own. In response to my situation, I’d done things that were exactly the same as those of people quoted in the book. It was almost spooky, on that level.
I also appreciated the categorization of behaviors into archetypes. Though the point is well made that no one is confined to behaviors of a single archetype, I found the categories useful. I also appreciated the time spent on the different types of fathers likely to be present in such a situation. It’s helped me to rethink many things about my past and my present.
I thought it was interesting to see the principles in the book projected onto well-known and/or well documented public figures. Though a posthumous diagnosis may be at the very least controversial, it was clear how the behaviors of these individuals fit the model–regardless of whether or not the Borderline label could successfully stick to those figures.
I fully recommend this book to any who are interested in learning about, or coping with, a Borderline personality.
2 Stars Not for borderline mothers
I would caution all therapists NOT to recommend this book to borderline mothers. Initially, it may seem to be a tool to help them understand the experience of others who live with them. However, there is no message of hope here for a borderline parent–or, really, for the spouse of one. Instead, the experience of reading this book is very highly likely to become a very painful memory, one that, I believe, could even trigger borderline episodes. Please be extremely careful in recommending this book.
5 Stars The Borderline Mother
“Understanding the Borderline Mother…” is an excellent book filled with examples and understandings of the mind of the mother who is a Borderline Personality Disorder. I would recommend the book to anyone who has difficulties living and understanding a mother whose emotions are up and down and pushes you and others away.
Filed under: Mental Health Book Reviews