Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide
“Silent Grief” is a book for and about “suicide survivors” - those who have been left behind by the suicide of a friend or loved one. Author Christopher Lukas is a suicide survivor himself - several members of his family have taken their own lives - and the book draws on his own experiences, as well as those of numerous other suicide survivors. These personal testimonies are combined with the professional expertise of Henry M. Seiden, a psychologist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist. The authors present information on common experiences of bereavement, grief reactions and various ways of coping. Their message is that it is important to share one’s experience of “survival” with others and they encourage survivors to overcome the perceived stigma or shame associated with suicide and to seek support from self-help groups, psychotherapy, family therapy, Internet support forums or simply a friend or family member who will listen. “Silent Grief” gives valuable insights into living in the wake of suicide and provides useful strategies and support for those affected by a suicide, as well as professionals in the field of psychology, social work, and medicine.
User Ratings and Reviews
5 Stars Compassionate and comforting
Those left behind in the wake of a suicide do not need nor cannot take in a mass of psychological jargon, statistical abstracts or pie charts and graphs. What they need is the reassurance that they are not alone, that there is a community of compassionate, sensitive people which will welcome them as they try to absorb and accept their loss. “Silent Grief” provides a real service in helping the reader to sort out his feelings and to begin to make sense of the senseless.
Authors Lukas and Seiden provide many real life examples of the behaviors of suicide survivors. These should be helpful to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide, no matter how long ago the event occurred, no matter how close emotionally the survivor was to the deceased, even if they were not family.
Although they do not mention Elisabeth Kubler-Ross by name, Lukas and Seiden do detail her famous five stages of grief, (from her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying”) and explain that these emotions and behaviors can and often do run deeper in suicide survivors than in those mourning the death, say, of an elderly person who dies of natural causes. The stages of grief and the order in which they are experienced are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Not everyone goes through all the stages, regardless of the intensity or nature of their loss. But there are suicide survivors who get stuck in one stage of grief never to leave it, not for years or even decades. “Silent Grief” discusses not only why this happens, but the ways in which the suicide survivor can become “unstuck,” and finally achieve acceptance of his loss.
To work one’s way through the process of grieving can take years. I lost a brother to suicide in 1995. He was only 31. The authors discuss deep, unrelenting depression as a primary cause of almost every suicide. This my brother experienced for years, and it seemed resistant to treatment. Now, although there are days when I feel his presence acutely, and other days when it seems as if his death just occurred, I did eventually reach the acceptance phase, but it took about six years. (I don’t know if this was a long or short period of time, nor even if there are any meaningful yardsticks.)
I don’t believe it is the intention of Lukas and Seiden to encourage the reader in accelerating the grieving process. Rather, their many real-life examples make it easier to understand the complexities, the patience and the backtracking that will inevitably mark the road to recovery. It has been said that while a suicide survivor will never get over it, he can eventually get used to it. Only by completing this process can acceptance of this unimaginably painful event be achieved. “Silent Grief” offers hope that one day acceptance can be achieved, and that the process may be arduous, but reaching this vital last stage of the journey does not mean abandoning the memory of or forgetting the one who died.
Those who need to read “Silent Grief” know who they are, but it may be very difficult for them to pick it up. Perhaps a loved one can introduce them to its wisdom, compassion and hope. The survivor needs all of these, and “Silent Grief” is a safe and comforting place to begin.
5 Stars Excellent book for therapists or family members of those who have completed suicide
This slim volume was originally published in 1987, with the long-overdue revised version arriving in 2007. Authors Lukas and Seiden acknowledge that in the years between the two editions, the subject of suicide has garnered much more of a public forum, particularly with the advent of the internet. However, they maintain that what hasn’t changed is the profound, traumatic effect which suicide has upon those left behind, known here as suicide survivors. This book focuses on those survivors–how they react, the bargains they make in order to survive, and how they can learn to respond and move past their grief. Woven into the book are narrative accounts of many different survivors of suicide, including one of the authors, Lukas, who lost not only his mother but also his aunt, uncle, and eventually his brother to suicide as well.
Because silence often abounds after a suicide, the authors strive to break that silence through freely sharing just what happens to the survivor after someone commits suicide. Common emotions are discussed, including guilt, shame, and denial. In the second part of the book, the authors describe in detail what they term “bargains” that survivors make with respect to the suicide. These bargains allow the survivor to go on living, perhaps reducing their emotional pain, but there is a downside to each bargain made. Examples of bargains include keeping silent, scapegoating, punishing with guilt, cutting off, and the ultimate bargain, committing suicide (estimates suggest that suicide rates for survivors are between 80 and 300 percent higher than those for the general population). In the final section of the book, however, the authors recommend ways for overcoming these bargains through both getting help from and giving help to others. They offer suggestions for talking about the suicide in addition to reviewing basic listening techniques. The book concludes with some useful resources for finding self-help groups as well as suggestions for further reading.
This book is intended specifically neither for suicide survivors nor for professionals, yet it is well-suited to both audiences. Survivors will definitely find kinship–if not comfort–in the many personal stories featured here; they are also likely to feel less isolated and more accepting of their emotional reactions upon learning that they are not alone. Similarly, mental health professionals will benefit by gaining greater insight into and compassion for their clients who are suicide survivors. Overall, a well-done, very readable work for virtually all populations; highly recommended.
5 Stars Exceptional Resource!
I am a seminary student in Minneapolis, Minnesota and was introduced to this book in a class I took that addressed the issue of Grief in Pastoral Care. For me, this book was transformative. While I have never experienced the grief of losing a loved one to suicide, I have experienced traumatic grief in my life. This book has the gift of speaking to many people who have been traumatized in their grief experience, whether suicide-related or not. I am also a Police Chaplain and have recently been called to minister to four different families who have been impacted by this type of tragic loss. This resource not only helped me in my immediate ministry with the families, but I have used it as resource material for other Police Department Chaplains as well. Thanks to the author, for speaking so honestly about this topic and for helping those of us “on the front lines” educate and by God’s infinite grace, perhaps, save lives.
5 Stars Book: Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide
Excellent help for me and my family following my fathers suicide. Helped me to understand and not be ridden with guilt.
4 Stars Good points
This book is a good idea for anyone going thru the trauma of a suicide
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